Self improvement...

I have noticed that in this life there can be an active need to accomplish something. We have all this time to really do something that we’ve been wanting to do. You have a book idea, or you want to get your business off the ground, or you want to finally start working out or eating better, or you really want to get motivated to clean out your garage or closet. Self improvement is running amuck and trying to take you down with it!

I phrase it that way, because I noticed this very subtle attitude or voice inside of myself recently that says “you should be doing more…you should be working harder…you need to get more things done each day.” It’s this subtle abusive voice that masquerades as self improvement and wanting to use the time “wisely.” It stresses that the time is NOW! And the feeling it evokes is one of urgency.

Every day doesn’t need to meet some standard of “productive” that you or society has set. Not to say you can’t have goals for each day, but take notice- if you don’t get everything done on the list, do you feel bad? Check in with yourself to see what voice is running things inside…listen to see if it’s harsh or demanding at all, or if you lose momentum and energy altogether and it takes you into collapse where you feel defeated before you even start. If it is, you’re abusing yourself and not giving yourself the space you need…which is unfortunately pretty normal. I know this only because I have done it. I have held myself to unreasonable standards and then punished myself mentally/emotionally by not approving of what I’ve done or haven’t done…by rejecting my true accomplishments.

It’s straight mean! But this way of relating to ourselves is the most common way of relating. We learned it from the many people in our lives who also treat themselves with subtle (or overt) harshness. Some people believe that this is the only way to get things done- to hold certain demands over your own head.

This is learned behavior and it is a standard practice in our society, a collective dream or haze that we have accepted and are unconsciously acting upon. We are conditioned to believe that we are only important or worthy in relation to what we have done or accomplished, not by who we are. Take that in…We don’t collectively believe we have any value unless we have accomplished something. Just being is not enough! Who we are at our core is not enough. It’s the main storyline…even in more spiritual communities that talk about living your purpose, or finding your dream and pursuing it. We teach it to our children and hope beyond hope that they “make it.” Because deep down many of us don’t feel like we made it, but maybe they will. We are chasing an elusive goal and creating an impossible storyline because it was created by our minds and the need for endless doing.

I would like to challenge this paradigm and propose a new one. I notice that when I am critical of myself in any way, it is impossible to be creative or productive. It leaves me with constriction and a frozen feeling that says I’m just not good enough to really change my life or accomplish anything. Maybe you don’t hear that voice, maybe for you it’s just a frozen feeling that manifests as procrastination, laziness or thinking you just don’t have ambition. To live in that way takes a lot of energy! No wonder you can’t do anything under that oppressive belief structure. But when you begin to change your inner approach and your inner dialogue to one that is more aware, open and accepting of yourself, then you create an even bigger space within and it frees up all of that energy!

Next time you’re feeling bad about yourself, take a minute to listen deeply to what messages are running in your mind. You may have to take extra time to really tap in to hear what’s going on. Sit down and take a few deep breaths and inquire- what am I saying to myself right now? What am I believing? Listen with your whole body. Just this simple practice can reveal so much. Awareness is the first step to changing anything.

The thing is- all of us have negative self talk to one degree or another. We all have beliefs about ourselves that hold us back. And for those of you who have had a lot of trauma, this inner condition can be even more intense because there is a lot of unresolved energy in your bodies. But the antidote is not more doing. It is not trying harder and demanding more of yourself that will change your life. The antidote is full body awareness, and in that awareness we can begin to deeply see how much we have held against ourselves and start to lighten that heaviness with our own kind attention.